Domesticity killed our D/s relationship

In July, I wrote about our attempts to reboot. We never found that right balance in cohabitation, kink, and our general happiness.

Sysadmin Slave decided it was time for me to move out and us to break up because he couldn’t be happy living with another person. I’m heartbroken. He’s heartbroken.

I’m sure there will be more to follow on things that went right and wrong, and maybe some followup from SAS as well, but for now I’ll just let myself feel broken for a bit.


Tomorrow I am having a group of friends over for a rope bondage learning lab with intentions of lots of swapping of roles as rope rigger and bunny and some self bondage.

These are not friends I met at a kink event or through fetlife, but people I’ve worked with or known in different capacities the last 5 years or so.

My friends are rad.

I have no idea how the learning lab will go, but I love that I have built a community around myself where I learn something new about myself a year and a half ago — I’m quite the kinky top — my friends respond with a “Well, that makes a ton of sense.”

I got a crazy idea for the learning lab while out at a bar with a couple of them, and it grows into a tangible thing with hopes of doing lots of different stuff at later dates.

With my recent forays into the public BDSM world and seeing a lot of types of people that I don’t like to be around or that make me feel uncomfortable to be around, I feel ridiculously lucky to have this community of queer, inclusive, smart, kinky, curious and amazing friends.

<mummy pun here>

One of the hottest things Sysadmin slave and I saw at TES Fest was an outdoor mummification scene. The top wrapped the bottom in stretch wrap then a layer of duct tape, laid him down on the ground, and hitachi-ed the shit out of the cock. It was amazingly hot to watch, and we both immediately wanted to replicate the scene.

We took a little vacation recently and went to the hardware store for supplies. Overall it was a lot of fun, and I look forward to further exploring the techniques of bondage with the stretch wrap and duct tape.

Mostly this is an excuse to post a hot picture of SAS. Enjoy!

SAS mummified


SysAdmin Slave and I are in the middle of a reboot for our personal lives and D/s dynamic. We moved in together in March, and it has been incredibly rough. My cat did not adjust well to living with SAS, and SAS did not adjust well to my cat. We never really talked about or figured out how our dynamic would work once we lived together. SAS didn’t really understand just how different our schedules would be, and it was a stressful work time for both of us.

Our contract lapsed and we never found the time to discuss it (and I suspect SAS actively avoided it when I’d bring it up because he’s been so unhappy).

So we’ve rebooted. TES Fest was really the reminder that sex, kink, and we are fun together!

Right now we have a verbal contract and have scaled back to basics of what we both think is hot: SAS cannot cum without my permission.

I know ownership is something that still interests us both, but right now we need to figure out what it means to cohabitate, how to find time to play together, and how to be the supportive partner that the other needs.

Our first public play

We’ve had a lot of issues and changes going on in our lives that I should probably write lots of different posts about, but right now I want to talk about sysadminslave and I having our first public scenes. We have never played in public together, as we are both pretty shy. It was something we were both interested in but I had a bit of stage fright.

I’d never been to any events or classes and would have some pretty crippling anxiety about it if I tried to go to one. SAS never pushed me but was supportive. We are both all in types, so when I was hesitantly like, let’s go to TES Fest, we talked about it and decided sure. And if it is rubbish, there is a king sized bed in the hotel room or we can just leave.

Our goals for the event were quite modest:

  • have SAS collared (and maybe leashed?) in public once
  • take at least one class
  • watch some scenes

We definitely exceeded those goals well beyond what I ever thought we would do. It turns out SAS is quite the exhibitionist, and he loved being naked as much as possible. We have been discussing what our first public scene should be for a few months. I’d decided I would like it to be a simple impact play scene, preferably on a bench. It’s something we both really enjoy, and I thought it would be best to do something I felt very confident and happy doing. Surprisingly, we went for it our first night there. The courtyard was pretty empty, and I got to beat SAS outside! It was pretty fucking fantastic.

There was so much beautiful gear to be played on by Bonds of Steel both indoors and out.

Overall, the event really reinforced that I love playing with SAS and need to work hard to give time to that.

Chained to the bed

This morning there was sex. I was still chained to the bed by my collar (which is often how I sleep, except when I’m tossing and turning too much and keeping MM awake with all the chain rattling) as we were fucking, and MM asked “what if I just left you chained to the bed all day?”

So I’m spending the day chained to the bed.* Collar chained to the head board, ankles in leather cuffs chained to the foot of the bed, hands cuffed together with a pretty long chain. The cock is locked in the Steelworxx Crusader X-treme with the spikes fully extended (but no penis plug — I can’t handle that for long periods and MM’s not really into it either). This makes erections really quite painful, and I’ve had a number of them so far. I also have two gags and a hood that I’m allowed to wear for an hour each to keep things interesting.

MM locked me up before she went to work a bit over an hour ago and I probably have 8-9 hours before she gets back. What will happen when she gets back? Will she let me out? Or maybe just chain me up tighter while she unwinds? Or tease me to an excruciating erection? Or just leave me here with no acknowledgement until she’s ready for bed, eventually climbing in beside me?

I don’t know, nor do I have much say in it. But it’s been a fun day so far. Also: ouch. :-)

* Yes, I have 2 emergency release methods.

82 days

Sysadmin slave and I are a couple of weeks in to cohabitation. The official day (marked by when we moved my cat) was the day before our one-year anniversary. It’s been an intense year with a steep learning curve for me about kink and D/s relationships, and here we go adding another layer.

We’ve both had a lot of stress from outside the relationship really affecting our D/s and play. Ages ago, I’d pegged our anniversary as a fun day for SAS’s next orgasm. When it came around, both of our sex drives had dropped to practically zero. There was no reason to make him cum just because I’d set the day arbitrarily. I wanted him squirming with hope that it would finally be the day he got to cum.

Last weekend we found some quiet relaxed time together. There was some casual play, great sex, and hopeful eyes from SAS that he’d finally get to cum.

Today we hit 82 days. Not a bad effort.

It was the first time I’ve made a person orgasm from pain and minimal genital stimulation. There were clover clamps on his nipples, the cock in the CBT board, and clothes pins on the balls. Then the clover clamps got put on and pulled off 3 times. SAS says the third time put him at the point of no return in the orgasm. The volume of cum was immense and glorious.

I think it was worth the wait. Here’s to 5 more orgasms for SAS this year!

42 Days

It’s been 42 days since my last orgasm (which, I realize I didn’t mention at the time, was ruined), breaking my previous record by 2 days. Next chance is in at least 25 days which is… a while. So how does it feel? Well, my horniness levels grew for the first couple of weeks and then plateaued. I’ve been just constantly horny for a month or more. Although I guess at about the 30 day mark I started honestly asking if I could cum, feeling like I would actually be willing to pay the cost of longer stretches later in the year.

Can I handle the next 25 days? Yeah, I think so. I don’t feel like it’s getting any harder from day to day now.

But do I want to cum? Absolutely.

Close calls

I always try to be a good slave and keep my bratty urges under control. Occasionally, when I think MM won’t mind I do play towards my masochistic side, but I always try really hard to not break rules.

So I’m surprised that now that I have a very small quota of orgasms this year, I’m even more terrified of accidentally cumming while I’m edging (which is a task that MM assigns pretty regularly), because I know that an accidental orgasm counts against my quota. It almost happened a few weeks ago. I’ve had close calls before, and what goes through my head is always “shit, don’t cum, MM will be upset.” That time it was “shit, don’t cum, MM will be upset, and I’ll have to go even longer between orgasms later this year.” I guess this is evidence that I really do feel like it will be challenging to only cum 7 times this year, and that 4 probably would have been just a bit too ambitious. An accident with a quota of 4 would mean an entire extra quarter with no orgasm. I guess in my current situation an accident costs somewhere around 2 months, which… is a lot. Yeah.

So I got what I always wanted: a really challenging situation of orgasm denial. Careful what you wish for? Naah, I love it.

She wants the cock ready for her use, though, so I’ve been working hard on finding safe ways of giving it exercise. I’ve made some progress — no really close calls for a few weeks. And only 34 days until my next chance at an orgasm.

Daily reminders

Early in our D/s explorations, I knew I wanted to get something for sysadmin slave as a constant reminder that I was his dom and he was my sub. I looked around for more than a month for something that was work appropriate in SAS’s casual office, fit his style, and was a clear symbol. I finally found this cuff at Lucky Dog Leather. I sheepishly gave him the cuff and hoped he would like it. It was perfect. He wore it daily, taking it off only to sleep, shower, or be tied up.

Unfortunately, the leather wore quite quickly. About a month ago the loop to hold the strap in place broke. SAS repaired the loop but saw that the leather at the buckle could go at any point.

While we were on our tropical vacation, the leather finally broke.

SAS' broken bracelet band

Seeing SAS without the cuff on made us both realize just how much we love the constant presence and reminder of his status in our relationship. We both felt sad to see his wrist unadorned.

We remade the small strap together. He cut the leather and shaped it, I did all the rivets holding it together. One benefit to this is that we made the strap exactly SAS sized so it doesn’t even need the loop to hold extra strap. It also only has one punch that perfectly fits his wrist.

I decided to make myself a small cuff to wear as well: I shaped the leather on that one and SAS did all its rivets.

MM and SAS' bracelets


I am so happy to see my cuff back on SAS’s wrist. He went without it for more than a week, and it made me sad every time I saw that bare wrist.

When we are in a public place, I sometimes gently touch his cuff and smile at SAS. We both know he is mine.